The author | lei

Unwilling to communicate is stubborn, can not communicate is a fool, dare not communicate is a slave. — Thomas Drummond

How often do you see other people being all fun and games in meetings at work, but you are too passive to express your opinion? Even when you have the courage to speak up, don’t take it seriously and are constantly interrupted? Have you ever come up with a great family plan in your life, but no one supports you? To persuade their relatives and friends to be misunderstood, and end up in a fight?

When your friend points out that your problem might be “communication,” you smirk: “I don’t understand something so simple as communication?”

After all, many gurus have spent a lifetime studying “communication” and come to the conclusion that they can only handle a few types of communication.

In the Internet era, the information media is very developed, but it is very fragmented. You may have heard a lot of truths, but you may not have consciously organized them. The human brain will always selectively forget ideas that are not systematic.

So you may need to rethink communication.

The world of truth is as full of traps as the mud. Establishing a clear “concept” is like driving stakes in the mud, and establishing a “theory” is like building Bridges over these stakes.

PART 1: The definition of communication?

The old ladies in the street talk to each other, can we call “communication”? Can a professor in a university class talk eloquently and lecture incessantly be called communication?

Communication is “purposeful multidirectional information exchange”. Old woman chat aimlessly, at most “multi-directional information exchange”, not “communication”; The professor’s explanation may have a purpose, but it’s not “communication” if he doesn’t interact with the students.

“Is the means of communication necessarily conversation?” No, you can exchange information, not formality. Communication can be completely by text, pictures, music…… For example, writing letters, sending emails, and even eye contact are also included. In song Ci, “Holding hands to look at each other’s eyes with tears, but speechless and speechless”, here “holding hands to look at eyes with tears” is “two-way information exchange to express feelings”, which is also a kind of communication.

It’s important to define communication rigidly because it’s so important. In the communication process, always consciously remind yourself:

• Communication has a purpose: What is your original intention? Are your current actions and words preventing you from accomplishing what you set out to do?

• Communication is the exchange of information: did you get your true feelings across? Did you get the truth from the other person?

What are the characteristics of a successful communication?

From the dimensions of emotional experience and information matching, communication can be divided into four areas:

• Comfort zone: comfort zone has good emotional experience, but low information consistency. This may be the starting state of communication, or the communication may be harmonious on the surface, but everyone is laughing at each other without reaching a consensus on a deeper level.

• Target zone: This is the desired state;

• Destruction zone: a very bad situation in which no agreement is reached and the situation is very discordant: there is a lot of argument or there is simply silence and violence;

• Risk zone: situations where consensus is reached but interpersonal relationships deteriorate. Consensus was reached but ultimately the team failed to work together.

To rate your communication skills, see where your communication is most distributed.

PART 2: The role of communication

Humans are social animals, and people and groups transfer information and emotions through “communication”. The functions of communication are as follows:

• To acquire or transmit information and knowledge
• To bring about a consensus or agreement
• Emotional management

This classification does not conform to the “MECE” principle, but is overlapping, that is, there may be more than one function of communication at a time.

I was having coffee with a girl, and my girlfriend found out by chance. You’re going to talk to her, mend fences. In this communication, you need to get information (what did she see? What does she think now? , you also need to send a message to your girlfriend (who’s the girl? Why am I dating you? “, then you need to manage your feelings (show your heart to her and expect her to understand), and then you might come to some “common ground and agreements” (Common ground: Coffee is about work, not cheating). Or mutual agreement: later with other girls alone to report……) .

PART 3: Communication methods

Here are two methodologies, the first of which is the “Harry Chou window” model. The second “spiral propulsion” model.

• ** The “Zhouhari Window” model emphasizes the importance of information sharing and clearly expresses this tendency with graphical methods; **

• The “spiral advance” model focuses on the flow of communication and is a complete communication framework.

“Zhouhari Window” is divided into four areas according to whether the information is known by “me” and “the other side” :

• Public area: information that I know and the other person knows

For example, the information “I had coffee with a girl” in the above example is known to me and my girlfriend, and belongs to the “public area”.

• **** Privacy: information that I know but the other person doesn’t

In the example above, the message “the girl is my colleague and I am transferring work to her” can be regarded as the information in the private zone.

• Blind spot: information that I don’t know but the other person does

In the above example, if “my girlfriend was very angry when she saw this, she thought that I was a little cold to her in wechat chat this week, and she was very unhappy”, then this information my girlfriend knows, I don’t know, belongs to the “blind spot” information.

• Black hole zone: Information that neither I nor the other person know

Suppose “the coffee girl has always had a crush on me.” This information is unknown to me and my girlfriend, which belongs to the “black hole area”. Ok, so we’ve defined the basic concept, so what does this “Zhou Harry window” really do?

Harry Zhou’s window model believes that the key to communication is to “expand information in the public area”. Happened, for example, the boy must keep the privacy of information, “the girl is my colleague, I was with her transition” clearly communicated to his girlfriend, and made her believe that girls want to blank area information “saw very angry, think of me this week WeChat chat to her a bit cold, very not happy” the message to me, so that we can eliminate misunderstanding. Simple enough to say, but the plot could go something like this:

1. I did not explain clear this girl just hand over work with me, girlfriend furious……
2. My girlfriend didn’t tell her that she was angry because “I was a little cold to her during the wechat chat this week”, so EVEN if I explain the coffee thing is in vain……

Oh, a lot of holes. This window alone is not enough. Because Harry Choo tells you what to do, not how to do it. It’s time for a framework to guide our communication flow — the “spiral forward” model.

Confused?

• What is the “safety atmosphere”, we big gentlemen still talk about “safety”, don’t lose face?
• By “monitor,” do you mean I need a camera?
• “Consensus line”, “emotion line”, are two what “line”?

“Safe atmosphere” means that you and the other party should have a “sense of security” during the whole communication process, which is the prerequisite for communication. You need to show enough respect for the other person and make them feel that you are a trustworthy person. When you start communicating, you will consciously remind yourself of the atmosphere, but once you get to the point, it is difficult to maintain the sense and control of the “safe atmosphere”.

For example, a 0.5 second “dismissive look” from you will instantly tell the other person: “You are faking all the respect you just showed me. You despise me inside.” He probably lost his “security” and went “on alert”……

So it’s important to “always monitor your communication.” How do you form this consciousness? That’s where the magic “monitor” comes in.

“Monitor” doesn’t mean you actually have a camera, it’s just to help you understand. Try to imagine, if you have a very cow force monitor in the whole monitoring your communication and your communication problems won’t go down, you can at any time suspend communication, through the monitor to see communication from the start to the moment you communicate with each other all cases (including language, expression and action), I believe you will have a new train of thought:

• When you feel that the other party is stubborn and feel very angry, and about to attack, the monitor “BBBB” sound, from the monitor you see an angry, about to explode yourself, you suddenly realize: “communication is for a purpose, once the situation out of control, the game is over.”

• When the other party has repeatedly shied away from your problem, in terms of skirt around him, monitor continue “BBBB” sound, you see each other from the monitor “eyes flashing, free, an awkward situation”, when you realize that just only speak of communication to the multidirectional communication “, he’s obviously not open communication, I should think of some way to get him down on the first, Only by speaking your mind can you propel the boat of success forward.

Monitor, of course, is a hypothetical objects exist only in your mind, it gives you a perspective of god, let your objective and globally “your this communication”, the dawn of communication problems occur, you can immediately find, rather than to wait until the scene out of control “of the” rejected “communication happens when realized. “Consensus line” and “emotion line” are two promotion lines existing in the communication process. Successful communication will inevitably make these two lines coexist. Whenever there is a problem with “consensus line” or “emotion line”, we should use the way of “spiral promotion” to solve the problem, instead of rushing forward like a fool.

Now that the basic concepts are clear, what are the steps of the spiral propulsion model?

To interpret this, there are five steps of “spiraling forward” : building a security atmosphere, building a common goal, analyzing current problems, exchanging solutions, and finally agreeing.

1. Build a safe atmosphere

As mentioned above, a safe atmosphere is the prerequisite for communication. Before communication, both parties should be in a calm mood and willing to open their hearts. If you have a problem first, the other party is likely to be in a passive confrontational state. At this time, do not rush to explain to the other party, nor blame the other party, but first let him believe that you care about their ideas, this communication is very sincere, will not be perverted. Wait for the ta calm down, then push on.

2. Build common goals

Make it seem like you have a common goal and it’s in both of your interests to have a successful communication. Here are some of the minefields:

Minefield 1: Skip step 2 and go straight to step 3. This will make the other person suspicious of your motives. When analyzing the problem, he will hold back and test your true motives along the way. From the perspective of the “Zhou Hari window” model, at this time, you cannot obtain the information in the “blind spot” (what the other party knows but you do not know), the “public area” cannot be expanded, and the quality of communication is poor.

Minefield 2: Giving them the impression that you are “only there to get your own way” can be deadly when it comes to “conflicts of interest.”

For example, in the department, you are discussing the strategic plan for the coming year. You and your colleague Alex are quarrelling over the plan. The scene is very stiff once (whose plan the department adopts will have a great influence on your authority in the department later). How do you communicate in this situation? They feel as good as you do that their plan should be adopted. If the dispute is not handled properly, it will not only affect the relationship between you, but also believe that no matter whose plan the department chooses, the other party will definitely not support it with all his heart, or even act in full compliance, which will be a huge loss for the department.

If you can communicate from the perspective of your common goal of “delivering maximum value to the client and helping the team succeed,” it will simplify things a lot. You are in the same boat, and it will help everyone if you can steer the boat towards that goal. So you might try saying something like:

“O force, I think of you and I plan has some truth, although we are still in dispute which solution is better, but the goal is to better help department, instead of bickering, as first to go and think about themselves and each other, get more data to prove their solutions can bring more value to customers, if still can’t decide finally, Let the boss make the call. But no matter who the boss chooses in the end, we will firmly help carry out, how do you feel about that?” I’m sure he’ll identify with you more. Why draw a roundabout line from “building a common goal” to “building a security atmosphere”?

This is because when compare the fierce conflict, you in advance in the process of “build a common goal” may be due to the improper words, or the other party didn’t feel your sincerity, and so on reasons, lead to lost “safe environment” dialogue, this time you must go back to step back, this apology apology, this explain that again “building security atmosphere”, and really push forward blindly, losing battle.

3. Analyze current problems

Analyzing current problems and exchanging solutions is the main content of this communication. Don’t be in a hurry to discuss solutions until the problem and its causes are fully revealed. The reasons are:

• You may be looking at the surface of the problem and not seeing the real problem;
• You may see part of the problem, you may not see the whole problem;
• The cause of the problem is diverse, and the problem needs to find the essential cause and all the reasons.

Solution for the problem, the aforementioned example, at first you know question is “girlfriend misunderstand me dating other girls”, and other issues “girlfriend feel you this Zhou Weixin reply very cold”, so even if you explain the “girls just handover with you”, after his girlfriend or unhappy, then you began to quarrel, Until the scene gets out of hand…….

Let’s review the definition of communication, “purposeful multidirectional communication of information.” Information communication consists of expression and listening, and the purpose of listening is to understand information. So “don’t listen to what he said, consider how ta said” (tone, intonation, facial expression and action this message may be more than the language itself), that ta real idea, when you found ta did not uneasy heart (problem explains, is still negative, exhaustion) you will need to guide the ta expression, you can say: “I just observed that your expression was still not very happy. Do you think I didn’t explain clearly on this matter or I was unhappy about other things? Can we talk about it?” Sometimes the other person’s state is very negative, and if one nudge doesn’t work, you can continue in a different direction until she’s willing to share.

Communicate solutions

Communicate solutions with the mindset of “Here’s my suggestion and I’d like your feedback so we can design a solution that better fits our shared goals,” no matter who proposes the solution. Never fall into the “either/or” trap and trust that “option three” is going to work for everyone. You might be wrong about step 4 as well:

• Myth 1: As long as the other party is satisfied, I can wronged myself

It’s a classic old-boy mentality. “Suffering is a blessing” is not always true, and “helping others is a pleasure” does not necessarily mean sacrificing oneself. If use economics “social total welfare” concept to understand: TA happiness 1 minute, you pain 1 minute, you two of total happiness or 0 minutes, and did not promote ah. You can express your reasonable needs. For example, consider a third plan for your trip that fits both of your needs. If not, you can compromise by doing what your partner wants you to do on one issue and they doing what you want them to do on the other.

On the other hand, do you think you can go through the whole trip without showing that you might not be happy with the trip if you just keep hurting yourself? It’s hard for people to keep faking their feelings, and when they see you’re unhappy, they’ll lose interest. Instead, why not come up with a “plan to make everyone happy” right from the start?

• Myth 2: Unwilling/afraid to express an opinion

This is very common in multi-party meetings. Some “interesting” colleagues may have good personal ability, but they always keep silent in cross-team and cross-department meetings. When the plan decided in the meeting does not work well later, they will come out to second-guess, teasing “I knew it was bad”. At the moment ta thought that others would think: “This person is good, several departments made a plan to see the problem at a glance, should let TA carry ah.” But in reality, people will think, “I don’t know if I’m unwilling or afraid to talk in the meeting. I don’t know if my reluctance proves that I’m being selfish or I’m afraid to say that I’m soft.”

5. Reach a final agreement

Congratulations to you, in front of the “99 81 difficult” was conquered by you, get the final result is the waterway canal.

By respecting the final agreement and taking the lead in implementing it, you’ll build trust and spend less time “building a safe atmosphere” and “building a common purpose” the next time you’re talking about something else. Finally, summarize the main points of the paper:

• You may need to rethink communication;

• Communication is defined as “purposeful multidirectional communication of information”. Always remind yourself of this when communicating;

• The role of communication: “to obtain or transfer information and knowledge”, “to forge consensus or agreement”, “emotion management”;

• Communication methodology: “Zhouhari window” and “spiral advance” model;

• “Zhou Hari window” model: divided into public area, private area, blind spot area, black hole area. The key to communication is to expand the “public area” of information;

• “Spiral advance” model: concept (monitor, safety atmosphere management, consensus line, emotion line); 5 steps (building security atmosphere, building common goals, analyzing problems, exchanging solutions, and reaching final agreement);

• Following through on the final agreement can help build trust and make the next communication more seamless.

Resources: Key Conversations, Harvard Human Resource Management

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