Anything will open up to you if you love it enough. – GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER

Love is the second principle of personal development. Love is an emotion, but it is much more than that. Every time you run into someone, you have to make a choice — go up or avoid them. You can connect with people or keep them at a distance. You can immerse yourself in work all day long or procrastinate. You can approach someone, somewhere or something with an attitude of closeness, or you can remain detached, detached and independent. The decision to bond is the essence of love. Note 1

Sometimes love is spontaneous. You don’t know why, but you feel close to someone or somewhere. It’s like you have a magical connection. Maybe you met someone and had a hunch you’d be friends. Maybe you love the guitar. Maybe you have a deep affection for a place; You may not always know why you feel this way, but making connections is clearly an integral part of human life. It’s even why we exist.

Every day you have to make bonding decisions. Through your actions, you determine who you associate with and who you avoid. Would you rather talk to your partner or watch TV by yourself? Will you go to your favorite place or new place for your next vacation? Do you play with your pets at home or go to parties? Every time you choose to make a connection, you abandon all other possible connections.

To continue to grow, you must carefully decide which connections to strengthen and which to weaken. These choices ultimately determine your lifestyle. In the long run, your life is a mirror of the people you associate with most often. The more satisfied you are with your connection, the more in tune you will be with love.

In addition to bonding, there are two other main aspects of love: communication and communion. In the next section, we will explore these three elements.

coupling

In order to grow as a person, you must master the art of bonding. Linking means giving it some attention, thinking about it, and getting used to it. In addition to people, you can connect to groups, things, places, ideas, values, and activities. All it takes is your attention. Think about your mom. Think about democracy. Think about your favorite song. Put your attention on something and you will immediately connect with it.

Do you remember exploring the world for the first time as a child? You look around and you see something that attracts you. Then you run to it, pick it up and play with it. You learn about your environment through direct experience. If you find that you don’t like something, you will avoid it in the future. If you find something you like, you give it more attention. Sometimes your focus puts you in a loving state.

As adults, we often forget that the best way to achieve our wishes is to go directly to and interact with the things that interest us. Instead, we create silly rules that limit our ability to connect what we want. We can’t start our own business because it’s too risky; We can’t talk to other people because we’re in love. We cannot explore other belief systems because our current religion forbids it.

Rooted in fear and disconnection, these rules have no place in a life of conscious growth. You promise yourself to live consciously and often find yourself breaking it. If you wish to become more loving, you must maintain a willingness to bond.

Some of my best growing up experiences came when I decided to connect with things that were important to me, even when other people disagreed with my choices. Choosing to go vegetarian is a good example. One day, I suddenly wanted to try being a vegetarian for a month, just for fun. I feel very good as a result! Four years later, I went vegan. I found that connecting with the things that attracted me led me to connect with more other people with similar values, and it freed me from eating in ways that didn’t resonate with my “true self.” Some people don’t like my decision, but for me it’s the right choice.

In order to learn and grow, you must have the freedom to connect with and disconnect from whomever you want. This freedom is not given to you, but you are born human rights. You have to take the initiative to decide who to connect with and who to disconnect from. By consciously making connections that feel right to you, you will deepen your alignment with love.

communication

Communication is how we express our love. The root of the word “communication” means “same,” and it’s natural to think that when we’re communicating with someone, we’re looking for similarities. Identifying commonalities is essentially how we make new connections.

Connect with acquaintances first, then strangers, and you’ll communicate more effectively. When you meet new people, the first step is to find common interests, values and attitudes, which build the basic bond of trust and friendship. The next step is to explore and discover your differences. People who are far from you are hard to get to know, and people who are too similar won’t teach you much. The best connections are those that provide enough common ground to form a strong bond. At the same time, we have differences that spur us to move in new directions.

Face-to-face conversation is the most colorful form of communication. You can pick up not only words, but also tones and body language. Face-to-face conversations tend to create stronger connections than phone calls or emails.

Good communication skills take time to develop. The more you practice, the better it gets. While you can learn specific communication skills such as smiling, keeping an open posture, and paying attention to eye contact, don’t forget that the main purpose of communication is to connect with others. Even if your goal is to convince, educate, or entertain, the first step is to connect. Great speakers, teachers, and entertainers first try to break the ice and connect with the audience. Only then will they move on to their theme.

Real communication requires a mutual understanding based on love and trust. It’s not enough to talk to yourself and assume that the other person understands and accepts what you’re saying; Likewise, it’s not enough to just listen and assume you understand what the other person is saying. In order to maintain good communication, there must be a caring bond between speaker and listener.

There are few things in life more interesting than consciously communicating with others. Without ego, without mask, without other purpose, the two are connected only for the purpose of learning and growing. Once you’ve had an open, loving exchange like this, it’s hard to settle for anything else.

communion

Communion is a deep emotional bond that can inspire feelings of love. Sharing your true self is a wonderful feeling of complete completeness.

Think about your connection to another person. Where is it? It’s not in the real world at all. You can’t point to it and say, “That’s our bond.” It’s only in your head. Therefore, your connection to another person is what you imagine it to be, and your beliefs make that connection a reality. If you stop believing in it, it ceases to exist. You may still live in the same apartment, you may still share the same space, but the connection between people is gone.

When you realize that all these connections exist only in your head, you will discover that the real purpose of the connection is self-exploration. No matter when and how you communicate, you are actually exploring different aspects of yourself. When you feel deep communion with others, you are actually creating a deep connection with a significant part of yourself. Through communion with others, you learn to love yourself more fully.

I get a lot of mail from the site every day. Most people have never seen me or spoken to me. But I share a lot of personal information online, so many people think I’m their close friend. Because they know so much about me and believe that we have established a deep loving bond, they write to me from a loving perspective. In their first emails to me, many people tell me secrets that they wouldn’t even share with their spouses. From their point of view, over the past few months or years, we have communicated so deeply that they are happy to discuss their most intimate things with me. Of course, I will do my best to honor this connection by giving a loving response.

From the inside, however, an even bigger change has taken place. I found that writing required me to constantly explore my thoughts, which deepened my communication with myself. My outer world was also affected by the changes within. When people talk to me, without small talk, they can immediately dive into issues that are important to them. Even teenagers talk to me this way. The closer I am to myself, the more connected I am to others. Now, my life is filled with opportunities to make deep connections with others. Over the years, I’ve observed a great deal of evidence that how we are connected to others always reflects how we are connected to all parts of ourselves. If you can’t connect with others, it’s probably because you’re not close enough to your inner self. When you learn how to connect intimately with your heart, you’ll find it much easier to connect with others.

The good news is that when you understand that all your connections are internal, you will consciously change the way you describe them, and therefore how they appear. If you feel disconnected from your true self, your relationships will suffer similarly. If you want your relationships to be more loving and accepting, you must learn to love and accept more aspects of yourself.

Loving yourself unconditionally is a conscious choice. There is no limit to you, you always have a choice. But in order to make a conscious choice, you have to know yourself. No matter what hidden qualities you discover in yourself, you are still worthy of love. Note 2

Love of obstacles

Some problems prevent you from easily making new connections and deepening existing ones, leaving you “disconnected” all the time. Here are some of the most common roadblocks that keep you from staying in line with love.

thinking

It’s very difficult to consciously connect when your mind is full of thoughts that make you disconnect. The worst of these ideas is the “assumption that we are born separate from each other”. The belief in separation becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Disjointed thinking reinforces disjointed ways of living. You shy away rather than make friendly contact with others. Instead of giving a warm hug, you simply shook hands. Instead of initiating a conversation, you wait for the other person to make the first move.

It’s important to realize that “you are completely separate from everyone else” is an unproven hypothesis. When you sleep, do you assume that the other person in your dream is separate and different from you? You may have done this in your dreams, but when you wake up you will know that you were wrong and that the person in your dream is just a projection of your thoughts, completely inside you, not separate from you. Now, what happens if you bring that same mindset to the real world?

No one is asking you to assume that you are separate from others. Quite interesting things can happen when you assume that other people are a part of you, like people in dreams. The first thing you realize is that there are no strangers. There are no trifles in reality. Because everyone is a part of you, everyone teaches you something. Loving others becomes like loving a part of yourself. Because all parts of you are worthy of love, there is no one who is not worthy of love. In the end, loving others and loving yourself are exactly the same thing.

When I was 20, I met a special girl. The first time we talked, I found it easy to open up to her. I don’t know why, but I just trust her from the bottom of my heart and feel safe in her presence. Overnight, we became very close friends. I mean, I’ve never experienced such a deep connection with another person so quickly before.

In the weeks that followed, I discovered that this girl was able to form similar rapport with almost everyone she met. Within ten minutes, all the strangers would start telling her their life stories. When I asked her how this was possible, she explained that it was the result of her own mind-set. She said she knew we were all parts of the same whole. She doesn’t have to make new connections. She simply uses the connections that she thinks already exist. Her mindset binds her to the principle of love because she thinks everyone is in love with her.

To me, this is a concept I’ve never heard of. I have always believed that we are all separate individuals. It takes time, common interests, compatibility and a bit of luck to build genuine connections with people. Sometimes people bond, sometimes they don’t. But, I can’t deny this girl’s results.

Eventually, I relaxed my doubts and tried to imagine that I had connected with everyone else. Frankly, it’s not easy to keep this up, but the more I imagine it, the more real it becomes. Emotionally, I became more loving. I started making new friends easily and my social life reached new heights. Sometimes I meet someone and immediately know we’re going to be good friends. Almost unconsciously, I began to try to communicate with all the people I had just met as if THEY had been friends for years, and found that they often responded in kind.

The special girl who taught me how to connect at this height was Erin, whom I married in 1998. She still communicates with everyone, regardless of their looks, appearance, or personality, as if they are part of her own soul. Almost all of them showed their true feelings to her during the week, as if they had a deep bond. By sticking to the principle of love, she was able to help others achieve great things in a relatively short time.

With existing connections, you can connect with people very easily. Don’t “break the ice.” Imagine that the ice doesn’t exist. In a sense, you’ve already made a connection. As you become more in tune with this view, you may even find strangers initiating conversations with you. When you form an intimate bond with others, they will often do the same to you.

You can develop this skill through patience and practice. You don’t have to automatically accept the philosophy behind the idea to benefit from it. You can use your imagination to apply it. The next time you’re in a group of people, imagine that each person you meet is already connected to you internally. Notice what happens if the love bond already exists.

Fear of rejection

Fear of rejection makes a small social interaction seem like a huge threat. This fear can leave you feeling empty, lonely and isolated, depriving you of the positive desire to connect with others and alienating you from love.

Walk up to the other guy and say, “Hi, my name is Two dogs. As if we don’t know each other, what’s your name?” Is it dangerous to be born today? At first, others may react as if you have something to sell, but they tend to give you the benefit of the doubt and allow a conversation to take place. Worst case scenario is you go your separate ways and nothing happens. Best of all, you make a fascinating new friend. How many bets can you afford? (No business, of course, unlimited). Open your heart and communicate with love, and you are sure to meet others who will respond with kindness.

Ironically, when you feel isolated, connecting with people is the cure. If you spend more time with positive, optimistic, and interesting people, you won’t feel depressed in the first place. In fact, disconnection from others is a sign of disconnection from the best parts of yourself.

You are a respectable man. When you’re afraid to make connections because you’re afraid of being rejected, you deprive others of the opportunity to get to know you. A lot of people want the chance to connect with you. They want someone to understand them, someone to remind them that they are not alone. When you connect with people, you’re giving them what they want. There are some small risks involved in social activities, but the long-term benefits are so great that the only way to fail is to refuse to try. In Chapters 3 and 6, you will learn to build your strength and courage to overcome this common obstacle.

Out of step

While you can maintain a genuine connection with almost anyone, it’s easier to communicate with someone you have something in common with. Shared culture, values, and similar dispositions make communication “smoother” and make it easier to build new connections or deepen existing ones. When you want to enrich your life with new connections, it’s wise to look for people who are “in tune” with you, especially in terms of character qualities, values, and attitudes.

You’ve been there — nodding your head and saying, “You’re right, bro!” even though you think what they’re saying is shit! . Because you know, saying what you really think out loud only leads to pointless arguments (why is Dad wasting his time 🙄) that often occur between two people with different values. Lack of basic commonalities can make communication strained, open to misunderstandings, and difficult to align with truth and love.

As you grow, your thinking is bound to change. It’s no one’s fault. Say goodbye to any group, person, profession, or activity that no longer resonates with you, and soon something more “in tune” will come into your life. When you feel it’s time to move on, leave with love. Let these direct interactions become eternal and precious memories. Then file these in preparation for something new. Note 3

The process of letting go can be difficult, but it’s an important part of personal growth. When you can’t get out of the “out of sync” in your life, you get stuck in pure endurance and prevent new connections from forming that are right for you, and you get further away from your heart. Patience is not an act of love, but resistance to love.

As more “in tune” connections enrich your life, something very powerful happens. First, you’ll get loving support and encouragement to express yourself honestly. Second, you’ll find it easier to connect with people who are completely out of sync with you, because you know you have more solid connections behind you. For example, Jesus may have communicated with people who were completely different from his views, but he spent a lot of time with the 12 disciples who supported and believed in him. Maybe Judas is not a good supporter, but 11 out of 12 is not bad! How would you feel if you had 12 loyal friends who called you Your Excellency and master and looked upon you as their teacher and savior? Do you think this gives you the courage to be bold and assertive in making new connections? Do you think this will help you stay in sync with love? Love is not sister Lin, it will not fall from the sky, we have to create them consciously.

Lack of social skills

If attending social events makes you feel awkward and have trouble connecting with others, the problem may be a lack of experience. Like learning any other ability, good communication skills take practice to develop.

There are many books on improving social skills, but I don’t recommend any because they almost always focus on low-level strategies like how to initiate a conversation, how to ask questions to keep the conversation going, and how to mimic the other person’s body language. This technique merely mimics the appearance of communication and is often superficial and insincere. If you try to connect with other people using these stupid low techniques, you’ll hardly get any better in meaningless conversations, and everyone will be bored afterwards.

You don’t have to worry about techniques like smiling and mimicking behavior if you’re in the right frame of mind to begin with. With practice, you’ll feel more comfortable in all kinds of social situations. When you feel comfortable, you will express yourself naturally. Relaxation is the foundation of effective interpersonal communication.

When you fully accept yourself, your ego takes a step back. You don’t worry about how you look, how you sound, how other people see you. You’ll focus on the topic being discussed and the people you’re communicating with. This is true whether you’re talking to an old friend or speaking in front of hundreds of people. It’s as if you’re witnessing the exchange taking place, but you’re not even there.

In order to develop your social skills, you need to create conditions in which your natural communication style surfaces. One of the best ways to start is to find the clique you’re most in tune with, most comfortable with, and most in love with. Develop your skills in this small group, and then use that connection as a base to expand into other areas where you’re less comfortable.

For example, a young man who is shy about communicating with the opposite sex may find that his interaction with other players in an online game is very natural. He finds it easier to align himself with love in the game world because he brings his love for the game with him. To gain the experience of bonding with the opposite sex, he can focus on meeting certain members of the opposite sex in the game, even if they live thousands of miles away. In the game, he can try to deepen some of these friendships and take them outside the game world, via email and phone. Once he is satisfied with these connections, he can consider joining a local gaming club and meeting the opposite sex face to face. As he expands his comfort level, he can continue to expand his social circle.

Building on a comfortable “connection base” (a place where you can easily feel loved) and making an effort to expand your connections with the outside world can greatly improve your social skills. As you gain experience in new situations, the unknown will quickly become the known and your comfort level will increase. The process can last a lifetime and never ends. The lifelong growth you seek can even be seen as a progressive expansion of the loving bond.

How to build deeper connections

You can use these specific, non-manipulative techniques to enhance your ability to connect with love. Some of these exercises will help you make new connections, while others will help you deepen existing ones.

Link to practice

This is a very simple exercise to enhance your bonding skills. Think of someone you know and love. If nothing is suitable, find someone you admire or respect. Picture the person in your mind and send them love. Imagine that love is the positive energy that comes out of you. Find the connection that you already have. Realize that you are all part of the same whole. Hold on to that thought for a while and notice if you feel good about it.

Now try this: Think of a common commodity, such as a pen or pencil. Choose something that is within reach, preferably in your hand. Look at it and focus on the connections that already exist between you. Imagine that this thing is a part of you. In a sense, you’re the same. Send the energy of love to that object and say to it, “I love you” and “You are beautiful.” This may seem a little weird, but notice, it still feels good. If you can love a common thing, what else can you love?

Keep looking at this thing. As you continue to imagine sending loving energy to it, imagine that you can get a loving response from it. Pretend the object loves you back, or even imagine it saying, “Oh… I love you, too.” Notice the loving connection between you and the object, and notice how good you feel. Note 4

In fact, you can love everything. Love is not an accident, it is a choice to identify our deep, communion, nonphysical connections. Choosing love is choosing to say, “We are the same.”

I’m not teaching you to love your furniture, but to encourage you to accept a perspective that makes it easier to give and receive love. It’s much easier to think of love as something that already exists than to assume you have to create it from scratch.

Meditation across time

This is one of my favorite meditation exercises and I think you’ll enjoy it too! First, find a place where you can relax. Lie down or sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and breathe deeply for a few minutes. Picture a special room with two comfortable chairs facing each other. You sit in one chair, and in the other chair is “you in five years.” The future you knows everything you know, and everything you will experience in the next five years. Imagine communicating with this person, asking anything you want, and then listening to the answer.

When you’re ready, ask your future self to leave the room and imagine that “you from five years ago” enters and sits down. Take a moment to reflect on your past experiences. How was life five years ago? Imagine your past self, ask yourself all kinds of questions about life, and answer them with empathy, empathy, and peace of mind. Tell your past self some of the challenges that will arise in the next few years that you already face.

When you’re done interacting with your past self, imagine your future self re-entering the room and all three of you standing up. Your bodies begin to glow and become translucent. You float with each other and merge into one bright individual. This is when you may feel a strong emotional release. The three of you have now become one, an individual that exists outside of time. This is who you really are.

I encourage you to try this meditation at least once, even if you’ve never meditated before. It will help you to realize that your existence is eternal and not just a body moving forward in time. With this awareness, your short-term worries will diminish and be replaced by feelings of openness and fulfillment. Note 5

share

One of the easiest ways to like connecting with others is to share something with them. Share conversations, experiences, stories, laughter, lunch, games, yourself. Life is full of opportunities to share interesting moments with people.

Don’t be afraid to take the initiative. Sometimes people will decline your invitation to lunch. Don’t stop there. Just turn around and invite someone. You’ll soon find someone who will respond warmly to your friendly overtures.

A popular form of sharing is immersing oneself in mutual activities, such as dating, going out, or going on vacation together. This creates lasting memories and helps solidify connections. Sharing builds trust, and trust builds stronger bonds.

Fast forward

When you want to make a deeper connection with someone you’ve just met, make a quick connection in your head. Spend a few minutes in private and imagine that you two have known each other for years. Use the information you already know about him and make predictions in time. For example, if you know he’s a golfer, imagine that you’ve played golf together many times and watched some great games together at home in a place you both love. Feel your bond grow stronger. The next time you see your partner, you may feel that your friendship has grown stronger, and the other person may feel something about it, too.

Fast forward is a skill you’re born with, and you’ve probably used it before without even realizing it. Like daydreaming about the woman of your dreams. But you can also make a conscious effort to fast-forward and connect more intimately with new friends, acquaintances, or business associates.

A little directly

This approach takes a bit of courage, but when it works, it often works very well. Direct means admitting your affection for another person. In conversation, simply say how you’re feeling directly, for example: “You know… You’re a very good friend.” Unless there is some underlying animosity between you, the response is almost always friendly. After expressing this feeling publicly, you may feel that your bond has reached a new level.

Not long after I met Erin, I did this to her. We weren’t even on a proper date, but one night, when we were on the phone, I said, “Erin, I want you to know that I really like you, and even though we’ve never been on a proper date, I think of us as boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t know how you feel?” Luckily, she told me she felt the same way. This simple statement takes our bond to new levels of care, trust and intimacy.

If you don’t like to be too direct, you can always use a more subtle approach. A handshake and a genuine smile are also ways to acknowledge your connection.

appreciate

Another way to form a loving bond with someone is to express genuine appreciation for them. It’s fine to compliment another person on their latest achievement, point out a unique talent or skill you admire, or simply share a small detail that has impressed you. Do this only if you are impressed; never manipulate someone with false praise.

One of the organizations I belong to is Toastmasters International, which has thousands of independent clubs around the world. The main focus of toastmasters is to help people develop their communication and leadership skills. At a typical club meeting, each speaker receives a formal evaluation from another club member. A common method for this process is called the sandwich method. First, you tell the speaker what you admire about him. Then offer suggestions for improvement; Finish the process with sincere praise and positive encouragement. This is an effective way to provide feedback and also foster a strong bond among club members. Compliments are part of the meeting routine, so ensure that each speaker is appreciated for his or her efforts.

I have noticed that, on rare occasions, some members can be too picky in these meetings. Even if the criticism is fair and accurate, it can have a negative impact on the friendly spirit of the club. I always feel more connected when we focus on the positive, we compliment each other on a job well done, and we share a lot of laughter. Meetings like this are inspiring, encouraging and supportive.

Grateful to

The final bonding technique is to be grateful to the other person. It’s easiest to find a sense of “gratitude” by imagining what life would be like without him or her. What would you miss if this person were out of your life forever? As you consider this, be aware of any ideas that come up.

You can also express gratitude to the larger dimensions of existence. What are you grateful for about your family, community, country or planet? What would you miss most if they were gone?

While many people refer to Las Vegas as “Sin City” and associate it with gambling and other vices, I choose to associate it in a different way. This is the city where Erin and I were able to buy our first home, build successful careers, and make many great friends. By appreciating the city, I find it easier to connect with others who live here because we share a common bond — all of us living in this amazing, high-energy place. If you are grateful for your community, you will find it much easier to connect with other residents because it is an effective way to respect the connections that already exist.

The last

Love is the principle of gradually discovering who you are. You can do this by making connections with others and then communicating to explore the depth of those connections. The more connected you are to the world around you, the more likely you are to be consistent with the principles of love.

The idea of being completely separate from other people is an illusion. See your relationships as external mappings of your true self, and you’ll realize that the purpose of each connection is to teach you how to love yourself from the inside out. Whenever you communicate with others, you are actually exploring the depths of your own consciousness, because that’s where all your connections are. When you learn to love everyone and everything, you will be in tune with your true self. There is no real difference between loving others and loving yourself. The two are inextricably linked.

Don’t worry if you find it difficult to connect and connect with others. Other principles will help you develop your ability to take action in this area, especially… (See next chapter)


  1. This definition may seem strange, but so is the wave-particle duality of matter. A theory that can be falsified and can explain reality is a good theory. Don’t rush to accept it. Keep looking down. ↩
  2. Consider the “truth” principle mentioned in Chapter 1. ↩
  3. It’s like the clothes, the toys. They accompany us to grow up and give us a lot of happy time. But as you grow up, clothes that were once beautiful will become unfitting, and toys that you can’t play with enough will become childish. File away past experiences as precious memories and bring into your life things that are more appropriate for the present. It may feel a little cold, but so do your classmates, colleagues, and friends. ↩
  4. Translators have done similar things, but I changed the object to a part of my own body, such as hands, feet, heart, stomach, etc. Imagine them as self-aware individuals, then communicate with them and feel the flow of love between you and them. Personally, it is better than the author’s choice. ↩
  5. At the time of reading this, the translator has not yet tried to have a conversation with his future self. But there’s a lot of talking about the past. The object of dialogue is not necessarily oneself, sima Qian, Zhuge Liang, Qin Hui, Wei Zhongxian can be. Imagine asking them what they think and imagine what they would say. Most of the time, will derive their own understanding of history, will also feel their own life thick a lot. (Large-scale melodrama “goodbye Dunhuang” is so to play, to dunhuang tourism students, strongly recommend to see a). Here’s another tip: For most people, a faculty member is almost the best person to talk to besides yourself. One, he is enough cattle, called the ancient and modern one; Second, the time is closer to us, we know more information, imagined characters will be closer to the real; Third, he is a proletarian revolutionary, you do not need to have talent, noble gas, rich gas, also can very good communication with him.↩